Forgotten
by GenieT
Summary: The gods allow Sai to return to Hikaru... But only under the condition that Hikaru forgets having ever met Sai in the first place.
1. Prologue

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hikaru no Go, or any of its characters.

**Forgotten**

(Prologue)

by Genie

_He was asleep. Shindou was sure of that fact... but then, this had to be a dream. He looked around, wondering where this "dream" was taking him. He was somewhere familiar, yet at the same time nowhere at all. He couldn't comprehend what was around him, because his mind was too in touch with reality to recognize this dream-world around him. Everything was so peaceful, serene, still. Even Shindou felt no reason for alarm – how could he, when everything was so perfect? _

_It was then, immediately after this thought crossed his mind, that he heard the voice. No, not heard – it was more of a feeling, an immediate knowledge that a message was to be relayed to him. _

_"Hikaru." He flinched, but more at surprise than fear or wonder._

_"Yes?" Instinctively, Shindou knew he should be nervous, or afraid, or at least apprehensive. But he felt none of these emotions. Only calm. Only peace. Everything was right, and he never wanted to wake up again._

_"It's me. Sai." His eyes flew open – when did he close them? - and he whispered, quietly, reverently in response to the voice, feeling, deep inside him._

_"Sai?"_

_"Yes. It's me."_

_"What's happening?" Shindou asked, almost afraid for an answer. The calm and serenity he had felt earlier seemed to be ebbing away. _

_"The gods have granted your wish - our wish - to be together again." _

_He gasped sharply, and before he even realized what was going on a vision of Sai appeared before him. The ancient Go master looked the same as always, save for one thing: the fan he always carried was missing.. _

_"When you wake up, I will be with you, but you will no longer remember having ever met me, or this dream. We will be together again, but the price the gods have given me for this joy is this."_

_Shindou's eyes filled with tears. _

_"That's impossible, Sai. I could never forget you. No matter what..." Even as he said it, his voice broke as his mind tried to calculate what his life would be like if he could not remember Sai. "But, Sai, how will I explain things? How will I have beaten Touya that first game? What about the fan you gave me?" He was slowly falling into hysteria._

_Sai shook his head sadly._

_"Your mind and conscience will replace your lost memories with other ones. I cannot know what those replacement memories will be, but you will never remember our times together."_

_Shindou bit back a sob of anguish. "What about you, Sai? Will you, too, forget?"_

_"No. I will remember as always... But in order for us to stay together, I must never tell you the truth." _

_Shindou opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again, instead closing his eyes and trying not to cry._

_"Shindou... This is your choice. Tonight, this moment, it is your choice. Either way, you will not remember this dream when you awake. Make your choice. If you accept this bargain the gods have offered, return my fan to me. It is the only way."_

_Shindou looked down, and saw that he had been holding Sai's fan in his right hand. Whether it had just appeared that moment, or Shindou hadn't noticed before, he didn't know. _

_His mind was in turmoil. He didn't know what to choose, what to do. All he knew was he missed Sai more than life itself. Perhaps it was the recent defeat he had suffered at the hands of Ko Yonha, or perhaps it was simply that for the first time, Shindou didn't have Sai's guiding words to help him. And without hesitating, he made his decision._

_Shindou approached Sai slowly but steadily. He held Sai's fan out and said quietly,_

_"I accept this proposal." _

_Brilliantly colored lights flashed everywhere. More than that, Shindou seemed to remember everything, every slightest moment with Sai, all in a split second. Then, when the frenzy of light and memory subsided, Shindou could see... They were back in his room. Sai was sitting cross-legged before Shindou's goban, on the floor._

_"Am I awake? I still remember you, Sai..." There was a tone of hope in his voice that was heart-breaking to hear._

_"No. You are still dreaming. But, before you awake... One last game."_

_Shindou nodded, and sat across the goban facing Sai._

_"One last game then."_

_"Nigiri."_

_Shindou grabbed a small handful of white stones and set them on the board, taking note that Sai had set down only one black stone. He counted._

_"Thirteen. You get to play black."_

_They switched stones, and began immediately. They were both playing fiercely, avidly, neither one refusing to let this opportunity go to waste, both determined to play their best game. _

_Opening joseki._

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_A hane here, a double hane there._

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_The game was intense. Shindou was sweating, and he continued to keep the pace of the game._

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_He was so close! The Hand of God, the Divine Move, it was there, in this game, Shindou knew it. Whether it would be him or Sai to play it was not relevant. It was so close..._

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Here it was! It was coming! Shindou could feel it, could see it in this game. His heart pounded with the anticipation, his blood was boiling with excitement... Here it was..!_

_------------------------------- _

Shindou Hikaru, a young boy of about 15 with badly bleached bangs and a clueless expression on his face, woke up abruptly as his alarm clock went off. He rolled over, hit the snooze button, and was about to go back to sleep when his eyes were met with those of a strange man with purple hair and white robes.

"Hello. My name is Fujiwara no Sai!"

Shindou stared for a few seconds, unable to respond.

Then he fainted.

**-tbc-**

I had this up, but something went wrong with my account and I was forced to delete it and re-post. If you reviewed before it was deleted, please review again . As for the rest of you... Review anyways:P

Anyways, I am in desperate need of the following:  
(1) A beta. A beta who writes better than I do, preferrably.  
(2) A.. Go.. Proffesional? I need help. I love HnG, but I don't know anything about the technicalities of the game.

Also, please know that the amount of reviews I get do reflect on how long I take to update.  
I have low self-esteem like that. )

K, that's it. Thanks for reading... Criticism and insight muchly appreciated!

-Genie


	2. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or any of its characters or components.

**Forgotten**

(Chapter 1)

by Genie

_He's so grown up now..._

These were the first words that entered Sai's mind when he saw Shindou awaken. The childish glint in his eye was still there, as well as the blank face Sai had grown so fond of. But, it could not be denied that Shindou had changed considerably since Sai's departure. The baby fat that once framed Shindou's face was gone, replaced with defined cheekbones and a rugged, almost handsome, structure. He was taller, as well – Sai could see that, even though Shindou was laying down. An estimated four or five inches had made the "boy" Sai had first met into a young man, full of vigor and enthusiasm for life, experience, and... Go.

Shindou's fainting had been just mildly surprising, as Sai had expected a similar reaction all along. He knew, however, that when Shindou finally awoke again, it would tear him apart not to tell him what only Sai knew... In a way, he was happy that he would finally be with Shindou again, but there was a deep, longing ache inside of him to be with Shindou fully – memories and all. After Torajiro's death, Sai feared he would never encounter another chance to do what he loved most: play Go. In meeting Shindou, Sai had learned so much more than he ever could have dreamed. He had gained experience in not only Go, but life as well.

Sai sighed and sat patiently on the floor, staring longingly at Shindou.

It wouldn't be long before he woke up again.

-------------------------------

Shindou rolled over in bed and groaned. He yawned and sat up to stretch his arms out, rubbing his eyes groggily. He vaguely recalled his alarm going off and waking him up, but then why was it he fell back asleep..?

Shindou turned to get out of bed, and the memories of what had happened came rushing back.

"Aaaahhh!" He half crawled, half leaped into the furthest corner of his room, showing a rather admirable attempt to make himself invisible.

"Who are you?"

Sai smiled. No matter how much Shindou had changed on the outside, the same childish boy that had first discovered Sai would always be there.

"My name is Fujiwari no Sai. I am a Go instructor from the Heian Period and has come to you as a spirit." Sai explained, rather nonchalantly. It was, after all, very common these days to have a spirit come to you from a long ago time.

Shindou blinked.

"Am... I dreaming?"

"Nope."

He blinked again. Sai wondered to himself how long it would take before it finally sunk in. He gestured to the goban sitting in the center of Shindou's room.

"Would you like to play?"

Shindou blinked. Again.

"Pardon?"

"I said, would you like to play a game of Go?" Sai repeated calmly.

Shindou blinked a few more times, as if he was seeing things.

"...Yeah, sure. I'll be right back. I'm gonna get a glass of water."

Sai watched as Shindou bolted out his door, and smiled when he heard him stampede down the stairs. Although the sadness still lingered within him, a tiny ray of hope had begun to take root. _Perhaps_, Sai thought, _this can work out... Shindou and I can be happy again, regardless of whether or not he remembers..._

"MOM! THERE'S A WEIRD PERV IN MY ROOM! HELP ME!"

And Sai cringed.

-------------------------------

"I just don't get it!" Shindou exclaimed vehemently. He had forced his mother, Akari, and called both Waya and Isumi over to his house claiming there was an "emergency" before finally believing Sai's seemingly "ridiculous" claims that only Shindou would be able to see him. After being called crazy, deluded, high, and asked what assortment of drugs he was taking, Shindou reluctantly conceded that either they were right, or Sai was.

Shindou peered up at Sai suspiciously.

"So... If this whole thing about being a ghost from the Heian Era is right... What're you doing here bothering me?"

Sai smiled. Still as blunt as always, he noted to himself with a hint of nostalgic pride. He cleared his throat and repeated a story he had already told Shindou once before, one that, unfortunately, the young boy did not remember.

"You see... During the Heian Period, I held a position in the Capital as Go instructor to the Emperor. It was such a happy time for me, I was able to play Go every day..." Sai sighed reminiscently, an undeniable twinkle in his eye.

"However... In addition to myself, there was one other Go instructor. One day, he approached the Emperor with a suggestion: 'Sir,' he said. 'I believe that you have need for only one Go instructor – let us play a game to decide who shall keep his position!'" Sai's countenance darkened considerably, and his eyes smoldered with embers of anger that had not died despite time.

"The game was dead even. Everyone's attention was drawn to the board, it was only by mere chance that I saw it... A single white stone la in my opponent's Go bowl!"

Shindou frowned. "It could have been an accident. Did he put it back in your bowl?"

Sai shook his head, his frown mirroring Shindou's.

"I thought that it might have been – to have one of your opponent's stones mixed in with your own is highly unusual, but on occasion, it has been known to happen. It could have been fixed simply by just explaining the situation and returning the misplaced stone back in his opponent's Go bowl."

Shindou nodded in understanding.

"So..? What happened?"

"That scoundrel..! He waited for an opportune moment, and then he placed the stone in with his prisoners!"

Shindou gasped.

"That's terrible! It's not just that he's cheating... That's a disgrace to both the game, you, and everyone watching! He should not have been allowed to play!"

Sai nodded grimly, silently taking note that Shindou now understood with more clarity the brevity of the actions that had taken place, considerably more than he had the first time. He continued to tell Shindou about everything else that happened afterwards: the false accusation against him, his loss, banishment, and, eventually, suicide.

"My soul wandered aimlessly for centuries, refusing to go to the heavens as my love for Go was too strong..."

Shindou nodded.

"I feel that way too. I love Go more than anything... My grandfather was the one who got me into it. It's funny, I never really enjoyed playing Go before because I thought it was an old man game! But... My eighth grade year, I guess I just matured a lot!" He shrugged, "I started playing all the time with Gramps. I got strong real fast, and now I'm a pro! I could definitely understand how you feel."

Sai felt a pang of sadness rip through him. Shindou could not remember Sai being the one who introduced Go to him...

"It's funny though, Sai..." Shindou was staring at him oddly, his eyebrows scrunched up in question.

"What?"

"It's just... You look really familiar... Like I've met you before..." He shook his head, "But, that's impossible of course."

Sai frowned, but said nothing. _Could it be_, he thought, _that there's a chance Shindou remembers..?_

Shindou shrugged.

"Shall we play a game then? I'll move the pieces for you, of course."

Sai nodded, eager to play a game against his favored pupil. Since nigiri was impossible, considering Sai couldn't hold the stones, they both agreed to let Shindou be black.

The game progressed slowly, Shindou choosing not to underestimate his mysterious opponent. Both played slowly and cautiously.

"Shindou..." Sai murmured inaudibly. The Shindou he was playing right now seemed nothing like the Shindou he had played in last night's dream... It seemed as if the play was worse: less experienced, messy in some parts, and downright amateurish in others.

Shindou frowned. Sai was very strong – maybe even as strong as Touya Meijin himself! The game had not yet progressed into end game, but Shindou knew who the winner was. He bowed his head respectively, knowing that there was no point in continuing.

"I resign."

Sai was perplexed. Why was it Shindou seemed to have decreased in strength..? A sudden thought struck his mind.

"Shindou... Do you have someone to call a rival?"

He looked up, surprised.

"Yes, of course... His name is Waya Yoshitaka. I met him as in insei."

Sai's heart began to quicken.

"Waya..? And.. What about Touya Akira?"

"Touya? How do you know about Touya?" Shindou questioned suspiciously. Sai quickly looked around frantically, and almost sighed in relief when he saw "Go Weekly" sitting on Shindou's desk, with Touya on the front cover. He gestured to where the magazine lay.

"I saw him, there. Have you played him before?" Sai asked cautiously. Shindou snorted.

"Touya? I'd be lucky if I could even catch a glimpse of the kid! No, I haven't played him. Not many kids my age have... He usually plays against the higher-dan players."

Sai was suddenly very, very afraid. He wanted to ask about Ko Yonha, but knew that Shindou would be suspicious when Sai could not reveal how he know about him. Yet, at the same time, he knew what the answer would be: Shindou had never played Ko Yonha, had never even gotten into the tournament...

His blood ran cold at the thought.

Something was going terribly, terribly wrong.

**-tbc-**

Yay. Sorry it took me so long to update.

Reviews muchly appreciated :D

-Genie


	3. Chapter 2

FIRST OF ALL: I would like to apologize for the long wait... I've been unbelievably busy lately, and I don't usually get home till around 7:30pm - 8pm, and then I generally go do my homework for an hour or two and then stay up on the phone with the bf... I've had volleyball tournaments, work, and church these past couple weekends, and I really just haven't had time to write at all. This chapter took me three days, writing inbetween events, and it's not that long. Again, I apologize, and I'm gonna try to write longer chapters AND update sooner...

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or any of its characters or components.

**Forgotten**

_Chapter II_

by Genie

A week had passed since Sai had appeared to Shindou. They were rather uneventful, every day Shindou learning something new about Sai, and the other way around. Shindou was still light-hearted, still clueless, still beautifully, heartbreakingly naive.But there was still one thing missing: Shindou's passion for Go.

Sai noticed it in every turn. He didn't – _couldn't_ – understand it. He brooded over it every second, and saw its effect like a pebble falling into a pond and causing ripples to skim across the face of the water, touching every stone, leaf, and twig... It seemed inconceivable to him that Shindou's memory loss had not only affected himself personally, but had actually altered the course of history!

They had played many games since the first, and at each one Sai found himself playing the most trivial form of shidou-go against the boy he had once respected as a growing rival, a lion still waiting for a chance to bare his teeth. It was unnerving, and carried a certain weight of grief that such wonderful talent had once existed... but no more.

The pain never went away. It subsided, for moments at a time, when Sai found himself laughing at Shindou, or playing or watching Go. But, it always lingered, a shadow that followed him always. It was an exquisite sort of pain, watching a boy who had become like a son to him – but so much more – and not being able to talk to him as such, or even show some affection. Worse, however, was the change in Shindou himself. The thing that defined him, constructed his very being... A space in his heart and soul, empty and void and dark, waiting to be filled with a burning fire: the one Sai knew first began when Shindou sat facing Touya Meijin across a Go board, and his desire to play first realized itself.

There was hope. Sai was an optimist, and always had been. Day after day he continued to take the stunning changes in stride, yet still hoping for some unknown miracle – what that miracle could possible be, Sai didn't know.

He sighed. It was Saturday morning, and Sai knew it would be time to awaken Shindou for school.

-------------------------------

Sai was an enigma, a man walking unseen on the modern streets of Tokyo, yet still hidden in a thick shroud of mystery.

Shindou understood him.

It was strange to him, at first. It happened during a game; Shindou knew that Sai was bored playing shidou-go with him, and it was irritating to know that he was considered to be no less than a novice. He played his best every game, but the results were always the same... And, deep inside, Shindou's irritation soon began to transform itself into something so much more potent: passion.

The game itself had begun the usual way...

"_Sai... Let's play?"_

_Sai sighed, looking slightly put off by Shindou's request._

"_Alright."_

_Shindou pursed his lips in annoyance. His feelings for Sai were an odd mixture of envy and admiration. He didn't know what it was that got to him, really... It was a quality that Sai possessed, a quality Shindou had seen in so many Go players around him yet had never been able to harness himself. _

_It was desire._

_Shindou loved Go. He craved the feel of the stones against his fingers, the startling "pa-chi!" of the stones hitting the goban. The suspense of the game, reading ahead, and the feeling of satisfaction at having beaten his opponent. He had even come to love the surrender of the game, for Shindou had learned that there was no better motivation than defeat. Even so, there was something missing... He thought about Go, and felt on a small frisson of pleasure and delight. The same feeling could be easily achieved with anything Shindou wanted to be skilled at, whether it was soccer or dodgeball or any other game... Go was his love, his partner in life, yet Shindou knew inside that it could easily be replaced._

_He had been looking for it all his life: a reason. Something to look forward to. Something that would define himself, make him truly... Shindou Hikaru. He wanted it to be Go, but the right element was missing... The passion, the desire, the ever-burning fire that yearned to climb to heights deemed impossible by everyone but him._

_That element, that certain quality was in Sai's eyes. It was stronger in Sai than in anyone else Shindou had ever seen. It was quite obvious that Go was what drove Sai, for he had even escaped the afterlife in order to continue playing it._

_Shindou sighed, and placed the first black stone; it had become agreed that he would always go first._

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_Pa-chi!_

_The game progressed quickly. It always did. Again, Shindou felt a flash of annoyance at the almost condescending way Sai was playing him. _

_Pa-chi!_

_He gasped. Sai had just comletely destroyed Shindou's game in that one move. He looked up, and saw that Sai was bored, even... Indifferent._

_And in that moment, Shindou hated Sai._

After that, things changed for Shindou. It wasn't a startling revolution, or even a stark moment of clarity. The moment that changed Shindou's life lacked all the drama usually involved, the sudden realization of what his desire was. But, in the end, it was still that: the moment that changed Shindou's life.

It started with hatred and envy. Shindou researched all of Honinbou Shuusaku's games and began to study them earnestly. Sai noticed but said nothing, taking secret pleasure in Shindou's struggles. He knew that his passion had nothing to do with Go itself, but simply with his desire to play Sai in an even game – one where Sai could seriously consider Shindou as a fellow player. Sai also knew that as time progressed, that passion would evolve into a love for Go.

It was past midnight. The only light in Shindou's room was emanated from his computer screen. On it was old kifu from Shuusaku's games. Sai, being a spirit, was not sleepy... But that certainly didn't stop him from being bored.

"Shindou... Shouldn't you get some sleep?"

Shindou pried his eyes away from the computer screen.

"I'm studying kifu. And don't you think it's about time you call me Hikaru? If I'm gonna be stuck with you, you might as well get comfortable."

Sai smiled, almost relieved. He had had some difficulty calling the young boy Shindou on a regular basis, but didn't want to appear overly acquainted... Luckily, that would not be a problem anymore.

"Studying is good, but it's almost two hours past midnight. Shouldn't you get some sleep?"

Hikaru looked over his shoulder and eyed Sai warily.

"Pro exams are next week. I want to pass with flying colors."

Sai's breath caught. Oddly enough, he had never discussed Hikaru's career as a Go player in the past week, and had simply taken for granted that since Hikaru's rival was Waya, he had to be a pro already. A thought crossed Sai's mind... He frowned. _No, it can't be..._

"Is... This Waya... Pro already?

"No... We're both at the top of our classes right now, and we're hoping to pass this year."

"I see." But he didn't see. Sai let the concept roll around in his mind, thinking about the possibilities. He thought about the change in Hikaru's strength... And suddenly knew. It was almost obvious, in a way, what was happening. Just as Hikaru's strength as Go player had come to be as a result of his relentless chasing of Touya Akira, Waya's strength too had come as a direct result of his desire to stay ahead of the mysterious insei who was growing with such alarming speed that he was considered a leader in the new wave of Go players...

The corners of Sai's mouth tugged upwards as he thought of something else; it would seem that Shindou had found his object of desire... Sai. Like Shindou's chase to achieve status in Touya's eyes had brought him further than anything else could have, he now had someone else to chase. There was a comparable difference, of course, between Sai and Touya, but he knew that for now it would do. The ramifications of his actions, coming to Shindou in a dream, and offering his bargain... Sai realized he could never know the full extent of that fateful decision.

He sighed, and closed his eyes. Everything that was happening seemed to swirl in his mind at once... And, quite suddenly, Sai began to regret his decision to return to Hikaru.

As the Alfred Lord Tennyson's cliché goes, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

With a wry smile, Sai wondered what Tennyson would have to say about having loved, lost, losing memory of the one loved, having that person return to you, and – hopefully – coming to love him again.

He stared at the back of Shindou's head and wondered what the gods had in store for him. With that thought, he let himself go into the dreamless sleep of the spirits...

**-tbc-**

I do realize that there hasn't been much action going on, and I intend to change that starting Chapter 3. I'm trying to establish a certain environment and relationship between the Shindou and Sai before I stage some public scenes and introduce other characters. I still have alot of trouble keeping them in character, so please let me know if they show any OOCness.

Again, I do need a beta. I usually proofread my own work, but I value a 2nd opinion - more than that, I need someone to tell me when I'm getting too boring, OOC, etc.

_TO MY REVIEWERS: _

**to dizzy:**  
I think I explained why Sai has been calling Shindou "Shindou" instead of "Hikaru" in this chapter. I know if some ghost appeared by my bedside and started calling me by the nickname all my friends call me, I'd be slightly uncomfortable until we got to know each other better. With that said, thank you very much for your review . I'm glad to know I have a regular.

**to TenshiReike:**  
I always assumed that when Sai disappeared, he was watching over Hikaru from wherever he went. That would explain how he knows about Hikaru's life AFTER he went away.

**to sendoh11:**  
Patience, m'dear, patience.

**to all my reviewers:**  
Thank you all very much for your reviews! Believe it or not, they keep me going :P. I feel guilty whenever I get a review asking me to update and it's been a while. Without these past few reviews I've gotten, I probably would have never updated... lol. Again, thank you all! I hope I keep you all interested. **  
**

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